You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
3 2 1 whiskey
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
