Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
