The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
