i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
