Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
