everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
