Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
