Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
How does one acquire holy water?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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