Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
