my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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