Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
