Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
