We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Still dying that you shit outside
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
