did you get engaged???
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
