i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
being pregnant is like rehab
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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