I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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