it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
