I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
