Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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