im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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