Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
