Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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