I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
