True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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