I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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