So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
