He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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