WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
