The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
