I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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