I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
People in love make me want to vomit
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
