Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it hurts more in the daytime
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
