i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Randomize
