Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
