I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
