my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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