Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
