There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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