every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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