I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
