It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize