I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
