Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
