so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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