he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
