Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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