I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
