Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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