New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
