Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
