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i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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