I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
