After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
