u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
