I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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