He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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