Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
