All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
