We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
