My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
