Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
